RSS

Tag Archives: marlon stuart

First things first

So in this post I will try and stay focused about things Jamaican. As many are aware in the past few months I’ve been spending a little more than a just a few days in farin. So it is through these eyes that I present to you the first things that must be done upon arrival at di airport. Yes that would be the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston Jamaica.

Now the route from the airport home is not determined by you, but by three influencing factors.  They are the mode of transport, the time of day and to a lesser extent the day of the week.  Now let me insert my disclaimer in here.

“The JamaicanZ” (thee juh-mey-kuhn-zee) in no way endorses or condones  the behavior described in this post. He is only stating the facts as described to him in a sealed document he received from a pirate while in Port Royal.

With that said, back to firsts.  Once you exit the doors of the airport and politely advise the JUTA team “dat yuh good”.  Prepare for the 5 minute sidewalk wait inna di heat. Now on a normal day the heat would garner a complaint ‘lawks it hat!’, but ur home so no complaint from you.  Yes, you think that the first thing for you to do is to buy a water coconut from di water coconut person across the street. Well you would be wrong. The reason is simple your chariot has arrived.

Bags inna trunk and the circuitous ride home has begun.  Now if you “chauffeur” is a gentleman of any order, a beverage should be located on the back seat for a parched, weary traveler.  Now if it were me who were being picked up my expectation would be simple. The beverage should be a cue of Appelton, two cups, a Pepsi and of course a small cooler of ice. So the first thing one does is sip a freshly made rum and coke while cruising along the airport road.

So now that you have reached the bottom of that drink, you should have reached just about stadium.  Where, if you are lucky you will be able to buy a Star at the corner of old hope road and mountain view road. Yep another first. Now the driver should be moving to the first destination without delay.  That destination is the pub @ Mayfair hotel.  Why Mayfair? Well the answer is simple.  A/C.  You just come fram farin therefore you need time to acclimatize yourself to the heat that is Kingston. The Pub Now once you’ve poured your third drink and not a moment before, can you turn on your local phone. Here you are allowed to send only two texts. Why two? Well you do not want to raise two much of an alarm.

Now this is where, as previously stated, that the effects of time of day and day of the week come into play.  If its post 5pm. The stay at the pub will be long and filled with many cues resulting in a stop at princess chicken then home. If its pre- 5pm the heat will get the better of you. So your stay that the pub will be short lived. The result will be a long day filled with cue, in the hills then a stop at princess chicken before proceding home. No throw in the week-end factor and wow all bets are off.  A “Dance’ inna di garrison could be in the offing or maybe even a beach run.

Now that I have told you this information that was related to me please do not judge me. In addition below I have listed a few more first that from my understanding and must do’s within the first few hours of arriving back home

  • Stop at my mommy’s office to give her a hug and kiss.
  • Stop at Tigermart and get a coconut water because your driver neva mek you get one from the airport.
  • The various social media updates so that you can make your friends and family jealous inna farin.

In closing, I will say this using the words of our esteemed DJ, Admiral Bailey.  “Nuh where no betta dan yard.”

 
1 Comment

Posted by on June 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Heels and Tattoos

So a new year has been begun and the usual resolutions that go with it.  I have taken the past ten days to really look on my views on a lot of things.  It is my distinct impression that I say what most only whisper in dark corners.  So here we go as usual.

Kitten HeelsAll “kitten” heels should be banned for ladies over 21.  They are simply like using training wheels on a ten speed bicycle. Rubbish! Now don’t get it twisted, heels are not for everyone.  Many of my lady fren dem just nuh undastand. You need special training to wear these pieces of attire.  I know, I know, who am I to talk. I don’t wear heels, and should not know what it takes to be fully trained on how to use these essential tools.  Yes I said it tools.  Now let me school those who have not yet been taught.  Simple BlackA lady is simply not a lady if she does not have at least 3 pairs of heels.  The essentials are of course a simple black pump, a strappy silver and a “hey look at me” red.

Now that you have the basics, then and only then should you branch out to the trendy items. Ok, as said  previously, heels are not for everyone. The good news though is that you can be taught.  So grab a friend or for that matter even an enemy and ask how to step like a pro in heels. Listed below are few of my humble tips.

  • Yes, we know those heels are a cheap knock-off so don’t buy them save up your money and buy the real thing.
  • Don’t trust the opinion of a female friend or a man who just a look you. Call your ex and ask him to give you the number for the girl he cheated with you on.  I guarantee you that she knows how to wear heels and wear them well.
  • If you need help, you can always google it (or youtube it)
  • Walk in them like they are sneakers. In fact, you should be able to take them with to the gym and jump on the treadmill with them on.

Simply put, if you learn nothing else from my blog learn this. The right pair of heels worn appropriately can hypnotize everyone in a room.

Okay so, I segway into my second pet peeve. Like heels “kitten” tattoos just don’t make no rahtid sense. Yes I know that you thought that that little star on you ankle is cute.  Let me tell you what nobody else is bold enough to tell you.  It har not cute. I’ve said it before and will say it again.  Go BigGo big or go home. Yes large colourful pieces are sexy. I do get the fact that you are a professional, and in so stating I get the fact that your tats cannot and should not be on display at all times. So if you can’t flaunt it, hide it. Again I will give you my list of humble tips.

  • “Tramp stamps” were never in so don’t even contemplate it.
  • Research your tattoo artist fully.  Do not hesitate to ask a million questions of them and their clients.  (Do this in person)
  • If you see a tattoo you like, ask where they got it and who did it.  A Referral is the best way to find a good artist.
  • Pick a tattoo you like, and again research , research, research.
  • Finally, there is nothing wrong names.  If you love him you can tattoo it.

Phrase

Ok I think I have said a mouthful but I have one more thing to add.  The combination of tattoos and heels….. Oh my!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,