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First things first

So in this post I will try and stay focused about things Jamaican. As many are aware in the past few months I’ve been spending a little more than a just a few days in farin. So it is through these eyes that I present to you the first things that must be done upon arrival at di airport. Yes that would be the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston Jamaica.

Now the route from the airport home is not determined by you, but by three influencing factors.  They are the mode of transport, the time of day and to a lesser extent the day of the week.  Now let me insert my disclaimer in here.

“The JamaicanZ” (thee juh-mey-kuhn-zee) in no way endorses or condones  the behavior described in this post. He is only stating the facts as described to him in a sealed document he received from a pirate while in Port Royal.

With that said, back to firsts.  Once you exit the doors of the airport and politely advise the JUTA team “dat yuh good”.  Prepare for the 5 minute sidewalk wait inna di heat. Now on a normal day the heat would garner a complaint ‘lawks it hat!’, but ur home so no complaint from you.  Yes, you think that the first thing for you to do is to buy a water coconut from di water coconut person across the street. Well you would be wrong. The reason is simple your chariot has arrived.

Bags inna trunk and the circuitous ride home has begun.  Now if you “chauffeur” is a gentleman of any order, a beverage should be located on the back seat for a parched, weary traveler.  Now if it were me who were being picked up my expectation would be simple. The beverage should be a cue of Appelton, two cups, a Pepsi and of course a small cooler of ice. So the first thing one does is sip a freshly made rum and coke while cruising along the airport road.

So now that you have reached the bottom of that drink, you should have reached just about stadium.  Where, if you are lucky you will be able to buy a Star at the corner of old hope road and mountain view road. Yep another first. Now the driver should be moving to the first destination without delay.  That destination is the pub @ Mayfair hotel.  Why Mayfair? Well the answer is simple.  A/C.  You just come fram farin therefore you need time to acclimatize yourself to the heat that is Kingston. The Pub Now once you’ve poured your third drink and not a moment before, can you turn on your local phone. Here you are allowed to send only two texts. Why two? Well you do not want to raise two much of an alarm.

Now this is where, as previously stated, that the effects of time of day and day of the week come into play.  If its post 5pm. The stay at the pub will be long and filled with many cues resulting in a stop at princess chicken then home. If its pre- 5pm the heat will get the better of you. So your stay that the pub will be short lived. The result will be a long day filled with cue, in the hills then a stop at princess chicken before proceding home. No throw in the week-end factor and wow all bets are off.  A “Dance’ inna di garrison could be in the offing or maybe even a beach run.

Now that I have told you this information that was related to me please do not judge me. In addition below I have listed a few more first that from my understanding and must do’s within the first few hours of arriving back home

  • Stop at my mommy’s office to give her a hug and kiss.
  • Stop at Tigermart and get a coconut water because your driver neva mek you get one from the airport.
  • The various social media updates so that you can make your friends and family jealous inna farin.

In closing, I will say this using the words of our esteemed DJ, Admiral Bailey.  “Nuh where no betta dan yard.”

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Heels and Tattoos

So a new year has been begun and the usual resolutions that go with it.  I have taken the past ten days to really look on my views on a lot of things.  It is my distinct impression that I say what most only whisper in dark corners.  So here we go as usual.

Kitten HeelsAll “kitten” heels should be banned for ladies over 21.  They are simply like using training wheels on a ten speed bicycle. Rubbish! Now don’t get it twisted, heels are not for everyone.  Many of my lady fren dem just nuh undastand. You need special training to wear these pieces of attire.  I know, I know, who am I to talk. I don’t wear heels, and should not know what it takes to be fully trained on how to use these essential tools.  Yes I said it tools.  Now let me school those who have not yet been taught.  Simple BlackA lady is simply not a lady if she does not have at least 3 pairs of heels.  The essentials are of course a simple black pump, a strappy silver and a “hey look at me” red.

Now that you have the basics, then and only then should you branch out to the trendy items. Ok, as said  previously, heels are not for everyone. The good news though is that you can be taught.  So grab a friend or for that matter even an enemy and ask how to step like a pro in heels. Listed below are few of my humble tips.

  • Yes, we know those heels are a cheap knock-off so don’t buy them save up your money and buy the real thing.
  • Don’t trust the opinion of a female friend or a man who just a look you. Call your ex and ask him to give you the number for the girl he cheated with you on.  I guarantee you that she knows how to wear heels and wear them well.
  • If you need help, you can always google it (or youtube it)
  • Walk in them like they are sneakers. In fact, you should be able to take them with to the gym and jump on the treadmill with them on.

Simply put, if you learn nothing else from my blog learn this. The right pair of heels worn appropriately can hypnotize everyone in a room.

Okay so, I segway into my second pet peeve. Like heels “kitten” tattoos just don’t make no rahtid sense. Yes I know that you thought that that little star on you ankle is cute.  Let me tell you what nobody else is bold enough to tell you.  It har not cute. I’ve said it before and will say it again.  Go BigGo big or go home. Yes large colourful pieces are sexy. I do get the fact that you are a professional, and in so stating I get the fact that your tats cannot and should not be on display at all times. So if you can’t flaunt it, hide it. Again I will give you my list of humble tips.

  • “Tramp stamps” were never in so don’t even contemplate it.
  • Research your tattoo artist fully.  Do not hesitate to ask a million questions of them and their clients.  (Do this in person)
  • If you see a tattoo you like, ask where they got it and who did it.  A Referral is the best way to find a good artist.
  • Pick a tattoo you like, and again research , research, research.
  • Finally, there is nothing wrong names.  If you love him you can tattoo it.

Phrase

Ok I think I have said a mouthful but I have one more thing to add.  The combination of tattoos and heels….. Oh my!

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Super Dee

September 6, 2012.

Dear Sirs/madam,

I write you this letter to say a few things.  For those who did not realize, yes today is my birthday.  Yep, I’m 40.  Yes yes I know I look more like a 30 year old but it’s okay I really am 40.  So as they say a life span is four score and ten (70 years) . By my calculation that makes me over the hill.  I have lived more than I will live.  Hmm I have lived 57% of my life. In my opinion I have gotten way more than I have deserved.  First and foremost I give thanks to my kids.  They are my foundation.  From my eldest Miss D, yep is you who has grounded me.  To my youngest Xion, is you mek mi know dat mi still young. I won’t say much more in this blog post about my kids but I must say this.  My kids are my driving force now more than ever and I aspire to be a father that they can tip their hat to, even though the “situation” is not ideal.  Enough said.

So back to being 40. I thought it was gonna be just another day.  Well it is not.  I’m 40.  However I look on it, it is a milestone.  There are many many things that I have done in my life that should have given me a quick trip to the grave.  From the fast cars, faster women, planes, trains and automobiles. Hmm should I share a story or two to illustrate.  Err Not! So let me look on 40. What does it exactly mean. I checked Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/40_(number)  and I found something that intrigued me. It is said that in order to understand a people, you must live among them for 40 days. ~Arabic proverb [1][2]. Wow that says a lot. It begs the question… Do I know my people?  The answer is a resounding no. However with that said I am getting to know them a little better.

The one thing that I have discovered is that most people I have encountered play social chess.  It’s all about the moves, not just today but 5, six, 10 moves ahead.  Guess what? I can’t subscribe to that, it is just far too mentally consuming. So what are my words of wisdom at forty? I’m not really sure.  I can tell you what it is not. It ain’t no ancient proverb.  Nor is it something from Sun Tzu.  Simply put it is, moderation in everything. Drink a little, laugh a little, cry a little, fight a little, and read a little. Sometimes I have not taken my own advice but cho, a suh it go.

In closing, even though this birthday post is late I just want to let everyone know that I have decided (actually decided years ago) to move my birthday to a date that is more to my liking.  That date is April 1.  Therefore, as far as I am concerned I am not yet 40.  I will attain that milestone on the aforementioned date.

Ok my list of what is on my mind will be kinda a little throw back:

My final words are this I have lived my life with no regrets, I have lived loved and failed many times. With that said hugs to all my enemies and cheers to all mi friends.

Regards

 

 

Jamaican Z

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Greetings #5

Greetings ,

Well here we go once again.  You may say that I have been procrastinating. Well I have not.  I have about 4 unfinished blog posts just waiting to published.  Guess what I have done? I started this one.  It is on a topic that is near and dear to my heart. Politics!

For those who know me, you know that I neva back from a political “conversation”, no matter the odds. I say hello to my friends on the other side.  Do I or should I declare my political leanings? Hmm…. Nah I don’t think there is a need to.

A few days ago I came upon a wonder full blog post by @cucumberjuice entiled “Where in the world is world is Portia Simpson-Miller”.  After reading It, I had reason to pause.  Well really mek people tek wi fi fool.  Everyone knows my political leanings, but I am disappointed with both sides of the isle.  After such a strong political campaign just a few months ago, our two time Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller ( @PSimpsonMiller ) has gone limp.  Yes she turns up for the Olympics and for her Time award but Sista P we need guidance and encouragement from our fearless leader.  Now is not the time to point your fingers on the opposition or for that matter your own minters and say it’s their fault or let them deal with it.  No, no we need you front and center.

As for you, former Prime Minister Andrew Holness ( @andrewholnessjm ).  Where is the new style of politics that you speak of?  The same rhetoric, at the same time, about the same things.  You too seem to be sleeping on the job.  Lessons on how to run this thing called politics is just next door.  Please, I beg of you look on the Romney/Obama campaign and you will see that your face needs to be out their every darn day!

I am an entrepreneur, I am lover of fried foods but first and foremost I am a Jamaican. I hear the cry so many times from my people, Bwoy di politicians a mash up wi country! Guess what my friends I do not blame them one bit for our troubles.  I blame us Jamaicans.  Not the farin ones, not the wanna be ones nor the barrel Jamaicans.  I blame us, the ones that live here, work here, invest here, drink and eat here.  We sit on our patio’s, or bar stools or at our dinner tables and complain quietly for approximately 9 days then it dun and gone.

We, and yes I said we need to hold our politicians accountable. No that’s just way too general.  We ought to be taking notes and making sure to follow up. Here is an example Madam Prime Minister, JEEP was said to be full of jobs. (see gleaner article dated September 19, 2011 http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20110919/lead/lead1.html .)  I applauded your plan to create thousands of sustainable Jobs to grow our way out of the troubled waters that we had found our self in.  Instead of Jobs in agro-processing, cultural and creative industries and information communication technology, we get bush clearing and side-walk repair.  Instead of a five year tax holiday for all start-up business to encourage growth we get an increase in the form of “All registered companies – excluding charities, companies exempt from income tax under section 12 of the Income Tax Act such as approved educational institutions and companies in the first year of incorporation – will be required to pay a minimum income tax of J$60,000 per annum, effective January 1, 2013.”  What does that mean? If you are selling panties of the streets of Jamaica and want to legitimize yourself as a company you must now pay the government a minimum of $60,000 annually.  Thanks for the holiday. (Source; http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20120527/business/business6.html ).

So I am taking notes Sista P and Andrew.  Anyway moving on from holding them accountable, to finding a solution to our problems. I will offer my solution, because it is my opinion that in order have the right to complain one must offer a solution.  So here is my two cents worth.  First let me spell out the problem. Lets put JPSco aside for a moment. So outside them strangling the country our singular problem is Justice.  We simply live in a country that is lawless. You want a driver’s license? It can be bought. You want a “fitness paper” that too can be bought.  How about a passport, a get out of jail free card or a stick of weed? It all can be bought for the right price.  Lets be frank here, all of us who live in Jamaica, in some form or the other involve ourselves in corruption.  Whether it is because the “legal” route is too circuitous or it’s just plain inconvenient. We also do it because we have no fear of prosecution.  Take for example the payment of royalties to artists for the music we play. Did you know that any location or premises outside the home (unless the public is admitted to the home, e.g. for a pay fete), from bars to clubs to concert venues, dancehalls, sessions, hotels to hospitals, and restaurants to race tracks. The proprietor/manager of the premises is responsible for obtaining a JAMMS license to play music? See http://www.jammsonline.com/.  Yep and there are many more regulations like that one that are simply ignored.

Back to the point at hand, Justice.  It is my belief that a lot of the crime in Jamaica stems from this singular point.  If I go out and borrow some money from somebody and choose not to repay it, that person has little or no legal recourse.  So what are their options? Do me sumting or just hug up dat. On the other side of the coin if I, you or them commit a crime in a Jamaica, what is the realistic chance of being caught? Slim to none.

I say all of that to say this. If all of us understood that if we disobeyed the rule of law, we would be swiftly and fairly be dealt with, we would adjust our behavioral patterns.  Politicians would not flaunt the law, civil servants would not steal tax payers money, bribery would be a thing of the past, Tax evasion would simply not exist. So my solution is to focus on Justice.  Justice for the rich, Justice for the poor, Justice even for the criminals in our society.

 
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Posted by on September 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Are we 50?

So I sit here in my hotel room in Montego Bay on this Independence Day. The view is not of the Caribbean Sea as you would think. No way, I’m in mobay and my view is of the hills of St. James.  Hmmm dis yah country pretty bad, yuh know?

Now I just said to myself that I had not blogged in a while and this topic of Jamaica being 50 would be a good one. Why?  Well for those who know me, know that I love old time Jamaica. Did you know that all hot drinks in Jamaica are called Tea?  Chocolate Tea, Coffee Tea, Milo Tea, Green Tea etc.  I so love our language.  Let me not veer off topic as I normally do.

Now, I’m not going to talk about old time Jamaica, food, music or even our athletes, as one would think. My topic today is my Jamaican women. More specifically, the difficulty I see them having in finding a “Good Man”.  It’s like 90% of the women I know are either free, single or disengaged. However most of the men I know have 2 and 3 women inna dem life. The math just does not work out to me.  Is it that we men have so lost our way that my Jamaican ladies will only put up with us temporarily?  Say it’s not so!

I have had numerous conversations with women who are my friends.  They all tell me that they yearn for a good man, an dem nah settle for anything less. They are sure to make it very clear to me that they deserve a good man because they are wife material.  They want the full package good looks, money inna pocket, dresses well, cooks and know how fi do di ting (I will be deliberately vague here).

Now let me ask a question, since when is anything owed to us?  If you want it you gotta work for it. Have we as a people forgotten where we are coming from? So many of my female friends are successful in all other endeavors.  They are power houses in business, Sports athletes, mothers to many, lawyers’ doctors and Indian chiefs.  I am so proud of the majority of women I know, I tip my hat to you. However it seems to me that by your own admission, success in relationships still eludes a large portion of your group.

Let me give you a few hints but I warn you they will be a bit controversial.  At the top of my list is stop sending mixed signals.  If you are interested, Show it.  If you are not, make it clear in the most polite manner. Please please understand that men are still a work in progress, tek time wid wi.  Now here comes the controversial part.  Be submissive, be a lady. Understand that as Jamaican men wi nuh want nuh bully fi a wife.  Now that is not to say that you should not be assertive.  I too love my strong Jamaican woman however I not dealing with no tyrant. Now this is of major importance.  Wi nuh want no 6 for 9 (behave yourself).  What I mean is don’t be one way at the start of the relationship, then when you get comfortable you switch pan wi.  Be consistent, be yourself all the time because it’s easier to maintain.  My last suggestion is simple.  Fix up yuh self. Let me explain. Make the effort in how you carry yourself.  Wear the heels, do the hair and nails.  I’m not saying that if you’re going to the supermarket you should be all decked out in a princess dress.  But come on mek sure that yuh sort out. No ashy skin roun here.

To me a relationship is one built on mutual respect with a keen understanding of roles.  The roles that men and women play in a relationship are very important and it’s when my lady friends start taking our roles from us is where we start getting into trouble.  Yea Yea I hear the chorus of ladies saying dat if wi neva so wukless den unno would neva tek our roles away.  Give us the opportunity to fail.  Understand that it is through failure that we learn, so please tek time wid us.

I will wrap up with this and say, I love you all and I har here for you as an ear, shoulder or even a drinking buddy.   If I had to give you one piece of advice I would say this.  Stop lying to me, your friends and to yourself. Either you leave that temporary man or do whatever to takes to make him permanent. We all know you have that temporary man, no matter what you say!  So get with the program, we aint 16 no more.  We are grown so behave grown and call, text, email or send message via carrier pigeon to him that you have seen the light and you will be the woman that he wants and if he can handle it he needs to step aside and make room for the new man.

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Manners

Manners are defined as the following:

A. The prevailing customs, ways of living, and habits of apeople, class, period, etc.; mores: The Novels of Jane Austen are concerned with the manners of her time.

B. Ways of behaving with reference to polite standards; social comportment: That child has good manners.

With that said it amazes me that as a generation we have lost our manners. What happen to Good morning, Good Night and how are you? My mother has always said to me that manners can carry you a long way. I blog about this situation, because I’m just sick and tired of my people being so in tolerant of each other.

I make it a point to notice everyone who crosses my path. From Mrs. Richards the security guard at the shopping centre to Mike the gas station attendant. I will tell you something. It has gotten so bad that when we ask somebody “How are you?” we no longer wait and really listen for a reply. Why is this? Is it that we have become so darn self centred that we don’t want hear about each other’s lives. Is it that we have become so that “twittered” that we simply don’t care.

Well I ask you, no I challenge you to stop for a moment and look outward. Let’s be mindful of how we treat others. Let’s be polite, and full a manners. Let’s listen more and talk less. Let’s learn from others even if it’s just for this week.

 
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Posted by on July 18, 2012 in Event

 

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Rambling again

So I will say this, it really feels strange to just sit and think for a moment.  I really should do it more often.  I will challenge myself to think more often.  I guess I think best when I write, it just kinda flows.  So I will meander in this post.

Rahtid! I did make a promise didn’t I? Yes I did.  Let me fulfill it.  Where is the real Jamaica is the question. Well I still have not found the answer, though I think I get closer each and every day. I have narrowed it down to this. A lot of the real Jamaica really only exists in our minds. Yes it’s all those great memories that we have had.  Weather it is of great parties, the Sunday traditions, Sow Bow or even true snow cone with bees included.  We are or have become a nation of nostalgia. Is it that I am getting old and I really just cannot relate to this “new” generation?  I guess I am getting up there but it’s okay, because with age comes wisdom.

So this weekend I went to Portland with my parents and wow I really love the parish.  Hmmm I yearn for the day when I can just stay in Portland and not even touch Kingston.  Soon mi seh, and very soon.  I have a sneaky suspicion that the real Jamaica resides in Portland. It’s just to determine which part of Portland it is in.  Is it up in the hills nestled in the on the banks of the Swift River? Is it on the black sand beaches of Orange Bay.  Hmmm not sure yet but I will let you know soon as my research is done.

Well I will move on to my list for this post… I will entitle is simply the ramblings of a madman.

  • Game of Thrones season closer was very disappointing.
  • Sleep is overrated
  • Drinking will stop… Hmm revise… it will dramatically slow down.
  • Listen more and talk less
  • A suh him did stay from long time.

Ok I dun peace out!

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 
 
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